From Fire Island With Love
Septober 2003
I've been here at the island laying low and doing some serious spade work on, well, on me. Digging trying to find what's deep, if there is indeed anything any part of me that has any real depth. Just when I thought I was going nowhere and growing was all done, facing "midlife", the rest of my time here on Earth, you know, the usual normal near fifties guy stuff, Life grabs me and pulls me through a doorway into where I am now. So who knew! Did Alice have a clue before she walked through that looking glass? It's a pretty beautiful place, so relax because it's scary to contemplate 'till you get here, and then as so much of life is, it turns out to be extraordinary and a gift from a loving creator. You'll see. So in case you ask, my answer is "I am just fine". Fine.

This might be interesting, It's over 6 months since I've gone into a chat room except for a few weeks ago when I dipped in for a few minutes, and I found myself asking "what the hell am I doing here" and leaving the petty squabble that had been going on in the room as quietly as I arrived. I wondered if I had become an elitist, or merely aloof, but no, I am no better than they are, just that now I have to leave that world to pay more attention to one which affects me more directly.

Building a family of friends is a priority, and I feel it happening one soul, one heart at a time, slowly but surely. When I realized my blood family was never going to embrace all of me due to my being gay I withdrew, and yet never managed to create another one for myself. My new 'family' is far flung, but I feel secure in who they are.

Several years ago I met a man in a chat room who lives in Kentucky. We met and fell for one another, well I fell lots harder than he did. We had several visits and developed a long term friendship, and in the interim he met a wonderful guy while on a cruise -- a different wonderful guy, and two weeks ago he brought his partner/husband to Fire Island to visit me. Doug met Brian 2 years ago November and they are very much in love, and as Doug's a friend who I love, they decided to come visit me this weekend. They are still very much in the lovey touchy phase, and I just wished that I had someone here to just touch and hold hands with, and lay in the sun as it starts to set. Oh well.

He and Brian are a beautiful couple and they embraced me entirely. It felt good to know the man I loved was happy. Seeing them together might have been emotionally trying for me, but as it turned out I had an excellent time with them, seeing them as a happy loving pair and as part of my extended family. I'm at peace.

I've found that special place in my heart that Doug was always meant to have, not as a partner, but as 'family', which he will always be. Letting go of that hoped for relationship was, I feel certain, a very important part of my losing my hiccups.

We were walking to Cherry Grove to show Doug and Brian the other of the two towns and there was a group of guys playing volleyball. They all seemed tall and lean and easy on the eyes, and I looked for Michael, just imagining he might be among such a group. Michael has fabulous abs and is a former fatty, who has turned his body into a picture but still has a post fat mentality, not pretty, not tolerant, but he needs to grow up. We kept walking.

The Grove was horrid, just packed with hetero trash gawkers and drag trash. By that I do not refer to the legitimate drags; they are excellent people. I felt uneasy with the crowds. The day was devoted to the Miss Fire Island contest, Yeah big deal. Heavy type goombah macho bouncers lined the entrances to the Ice Palace complex. Looking at shops and seeing the bar was out of the question. The contrast between the ugly mean spirited bouncers and a drag contest which is supposed to be nice, made the entire experience distasteful. I started to entertain bad feelings about the Grove, well certainly about the event. It was around 2:30 and so we stopped at the take away stand, Diary Queen, and bought a few overcooked grilled tuna sandwiches and tried to enjoy them on the beach. Even though the place was a take away, and not a restaurant, Blondie was refused entry. She had to wait outside, poor dog, with all those beer guzzlin', over made up bad taste sightseers -- day trippers of the lowest sort. I told you I'm a snob, did I? Well not really, I just wish they'd go somewhere else and leave us to ourselves.

The tide was almost in full, the sand was wet, there was no safe dry place to sit, and the surf was seriously etching deep cuts into the dunes behind the beach. You hope to never see that. We got hit by a wash and our towels got soaked. Nothing to do but walk back to the Pines, along the beach this time. Wet towels are a mean ass drag. Big mistake, that. We ought to have tried the inland route.

The ocean wasn't done with its destruction it seemed. Huge logs were being moved around like toys, and water was racing back toward the sea in deep gullies. You can so easily forget how badly the sea can scar the beach 'till you're there and experience it. You realize how helpless and puny you are in the face of such force. I was more concerned about what was happening to our precious beach than for my own safety. At one point it looked as though I was blocked, the water was so deep and so fast moving, but I tried anyway, and did get swept off my feet as I was crossing what looked like a shallow gully, and then hit from behind by a log. Down and under I went soaking my bag and maybe my digital camera, which now works but who knows when the salt water finally does its work. A dune fence which had just been launched into the same surf had also caught me from the front, it was 25 feet long and had been ripped up out of the dune and pushed me over. I'm fine now that the pain in my hip where I got koshed is gone.

I cooked some Kick Ass food last night, lemon chicken and hand made pesto and pasta. Tonight it's baby back ribs and crab cakes with potato salad. We're eating light, Fire Island style, ha. I'll be returning Tuesday sometime,
Love,
Michael